Saturday, June 7, 2014

A very grounded spiritual experience

I had a colonoscopy yesterday. In preparation one must do a liquid fast the day before, as well as drink chemical laxatives to completely clean the colon. I'd done the procedure before and it is quite unpleasant, not just the starvation but the incessant, frequent diarrhea This time as part of the prep I decided to turn it into a spirit quest, to use the fasting and cleansing to prepare for an experience of the numinous, to converse with god/dess. I told this to my roommate in a joking manner, but I was also serious.

I thought of American Indians, who do that ritual of piercing their chests an then hanging by its flesh. And sweat lodges, another ritual of extreme pain to induce visions. It's sort of like the crucifixion, going through such pain that one is forced to let go and let god. Give up the ghost, so to speak. I image childbirth is one such experience if done without pain meds. I decided to do the procedure without sedation, to be conscious throughout, so as to feel every moment of the pain.

The fasting was not at all fun, as I had incredible hunger pangs on several occasions. Drinking the liquid laxatives was disgusting, the taste beyond horrible. And I had to drink a gallon of it by the glass every 10-15 minutes. And no, I did not get used to the taste and nearly wretched with every swallow. And the diarrhea! That too every 15 minutes or so. And not your garden variety but explosive and messy. Clean up was also gag inducing.

I made it through the day but then couldn't sleep. I just laid in bed with my mind reeling of all the possibilities of what could go wrong with the procedure, like perforating my colon and needing emergency surgery. Or bursting one of my hemorrhoids and blood pouring out of my ass like a river. And what if they found a tumor? Or cancer? Due to the fast and cleansing these thoughts, especially on the verge of sleep, were crystal clear nightmares come to life, palpable, real, horrifying. I tried to calm down with slow breathing and meditative letting go techniques but to no avail. I tossed and turned all night with such visions, as if in a fever.

The next day I went to the hospital for the procedure. In the prep room waiting for the doctor again the fears arose. This time though I was able to calm down with breathing meditation and let them go. The doctor came, explained the procedure, the dangers, the side effects. The nurse started the IV and took my vitals and off I went into the procedure room. The doctors and nurses were surprised I was not taking the sedation, a rare occurrence. I of course did not tell them the reason.

The procedure was relatively painless except for one point. As the colon is empty from the cleansing they have to inject air to inflate it to see inside. At the height of the forced air it was quite painful, feeling almost as if my colon were about to burst like a balloon. I told the doctor and thankfully he said he'd lower the air pressure, which he did to my great relief. The rest went smoothly with no pain. In the recovery room I was a bit disheartened that I didn't see god/dess. It seemed all so clinical and routine. All that prep and intention and nothing. Plus afterward for a couple of hours there was some painful gas from the procedural inflation process.

But after all the gas passed, and as I was walking up the stairs in a parking garage, it hit me. I felt as if I were on a mild LSD trip. Maybe more like mescaline. My senses were acutely aware of all the bright colors around me, the sounds of the birds chirping, the smells of cooking food and car exhaust, the fine texture of the concrete walls noting the air bubbles therein. As I topped the stairs and walked through the mall the women were in scant clothing due to the hot day. I felt extremely sexual unlike I've felt in years. I could smell their perfume as they approached. They perhaps sensed my lively exuberance and smiled at me as we passed. I had a near constant erection and felt it starting to copiously exude pre-ejaculate fluid. I hadn't felt this alive in years.

My mental state was also particularly pellucid so I simultaneously and dispassionately witnessed all of this with equanimity while also feeling the incredible passion in all my heightened senses. I pondered if this experience was merely the result of my preparation and intent to induce it? Then it dawned on me that as part the procedure my prostate was being continually stimulated for 45 minutes! Well no wonder that I was experiencing such wonder. I was basically maintaining sexual arousal for that extended period without ejaculation. I recalled previous tantric sexual experiences where that was the point: To extend the arousal period without ejaculation and circulate that energy throughout the body. In so doing I had multiple orgasm's without physical ejaculation, much like what I was experiencing during this episode.

This trip went on for the rest of the day into the evening, slowly dissipating. Only instead of being induced by mescaline, sex or a sweat lodge this time it was precipitated by a colonoscopy. That is, its catalyst was the elimination of waste and the inadvertent stimulation of my prostate, as well as my intent and conscious focus. It was a very embodied, grounded spiritual experience which will live on in my memory of other experiences of this kind. And hopefully transform for the reader the experience of their future colonoscopies, which can be just plain unpleasant if not approached in a like manner.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.