Funny Onion satire:
WASHINGTON—Following months of bruising criticism from Democrats and
President Trump alike, an inconsolable Jeff Sessions was reportedly
trying to commit suicide Thursday by smoking a joint. “I swore I’d never
take the coward’s way out, but what choice do I have?” said a
teary-eyed Sessions, carefully laying a sealed envelope containing his
farewell note on a tool bench in his garage as he raised a lighter to
the marijuana cigarette with trembling hands. “This is it. I’ve taken
four puffs to make sure there’s no chance of survival. It should only be
a matter of minutes now. Oh, what a wretched, ignominious ending.
Goodbye, cruel world, I’m sorry I’ve failed you so.” At press time,
Sessions reportedly realized he had died after being overcome by a
euphoric, floating feeling.
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