Barr agrees to release Mueller Report

From The Onion:

WASHINGTON—Explaining that he would present the investigation’s findings in a format that offered the most richly detailed portrayal of its full meaning, Attorney General William Barr reportedly agreed Friday to release a nonverbal, abstract visual representation of the Mueller report. “I’m nearly done going through the special counsel’s conclusions and will be ready to deliver them in the form of a multimedia performance featuring interpretative dance, experimental music, and a variety of conceptual art installations within the next week or two,” said Barr, adding that he had already finished summarizing President Trump’s firing of James Comey in a 30-minute postmodern movement piece incorporating aerial silks and a fog machine, and had finally hit upon a suitable way to show Congress the significance of Trump’s contact with former campaign chair Paul Manafort by smearing red, white, and blue paint on the walls of a white space over a collage of slowed-down audio recorded in a slaughterhouse. “It’s clear, given the nature of the special counsel’s findings, that any summary must be issued to Congress with my voice removed, indeed artificially silenced, allowing the canvas of my body to convey the full extent of the report’s subconscious dialogues and liminal fixation on agency and the dialectic of guilt and innocence. Indeed, it is only through repeatedly assembling and disassembling a bricolage of objects such as metal pails, rusty saws, and clumps of wax that I can truly express the hidden and fluctuating tensions expressed in Mueller’s analysis of whether Trump pressured Jeff Sessions to conform to his wishes. The American people deserve to see a full performance of me lying nude and motionless on a concrete slab under a Cubist portrait of Mueller as masked, mute figures representing Donald Jr., Michael Flynn, and Michael Cohen slowly walk in circles, tearing pieces of paper and scattering them over me, every so often extemporaneously interrupting the sounds of kettle drum and lagerphone by erupting in a primal scream. Only then can Americans fully understand the truth.” Barr also clarified that in order to protect classified government intelligence, he would have to perform the part of his presentation where he wordlessly beats his chest, smears himself in glitter, and repeatedly turns on and off several televisions behind a curtain where no one can see.