NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The
billionaire Donald J. Trump’s bid to become a born-again Christian
failed over the weekend after Jesus Christ turned down his friend
request, campaign officials have acknowledged.
Jesus,
who has not generally been active on Facebook, made a rare appearance
on the social network on Monday to announce His decision to ignore the
presumptive Republican nominee’s request for a personal relationship
with Him.
In a brief post, Jesus offered the following explanation: “Just everything.”
The
turndown from Jesus Christ, the inspiration behind one of the world’s
most prominent religions, caps what has been a tough month for the Trump
campaign.
Privately, campaign
staffers fretted that the candidate would pen a disparaging tweet about
Jesus, which might alienate evangelical voters in key battleground
states.
But, at a rally in
Pennsylvania, Trump made no reference to Jesus, and instead touted
endorsements he had received from Gary Busey, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and
Joe (the Plumber) Wurzelbacher.
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